Decompression EggNoggin

Technically it's Christmas eve, whatever that means.  A night that feels like something is supposed to happen.  A stirring in the air, so to speak.  It's more a stirring in my heart and mind.  It's been stirring up all day, a simmering, a heating up, then to a slow boil, then the cooling off process has now begun.  All this commences by leaving my familiar and accustomed territory.  I am now in familiar yet a strange land.  It is comforting and settling.  A returning to the familiar yet ever widening distance.  The distance is a self imposed one, a time imposed one, a gentle yet strong current wherein my mind and choices and experiences lead me yet further away.
What is one to do with distance under their feet and trodden down paths reconstructed in their mind?  How does one return to the beginning only to find that things will never be the same? THere's a realization that this is what life consists of.  Be it family or friends, these things always bind and are forever consistent, but always adjusting.  Embrace the change.  Embrace the moments.  These things are the stone-hard treasures that glisten in your saddle bag.  The journey can be an adventure, full of discovery.  Mountains are climbed, and heights attained.  Depths are sought and gems obtained.  They can weigh or lift you off your feet.  What would you choose?  It's your life and I believe you have it only once.  This means to me that there are things you can change and things you can't, and what I can do is choose to live it to the fullest. 
Enjoy the hot tea and fireplace.  Enjoy the friendships and relationships.  Hold fast to the you that you are, yet be as open as the wind.  It can take you far; the wind.  Quality not quantity.
My self I wish to be taken on a dry warm wind, of the desert perhaps, but in a starry night.  Mysterious and devious, full of surprises and wonders.  A treasure trail of "what's just around the bend".  I like life that way.
So now it's christmas, and I'm so thankful for my family, and so glad I'm who I am, and that we have love no matter what.  And to all a good night....

Transparent Reflection

Reflection:  I am so transparent.

Yes, on a reflective moment on the bus, not to be too repetitive, I realized the flow of these words ring so true for me.  Damn HeartSleeves!  I wear them as opaquely as I do my transparency.  Vellum mind paper.  Swing statue through the smooth nest.
I worry my wall of paper that is so strong looking is just a shred away from break-through.  And what's on the other side is terrifying.  Where's my Polaroid before it escapes me? 

I wish I could trust. vs. cannot be trusted; they're all gay and I'm not even though I try to be.
They've always broken in my hands as I lovingly built sculptures to live in.  That's my downfall, and I don't know where the pieces are of that puzzle.  I've actually thrown the puzzle away.  Now the game is in reverse.
You may think you are in heaven, Jay says, hes my king for a day, and I with powdered and baroque elaborateness in my fantasies everything is a dance and orgy on the piano.  Transforming into Lady Gaga type madness...but she's me.  And then bloody stained hair and white perfectness turned dirty; dirty; dirty.  Don't mind what I say.  I resemble Lain, a girl from a cartoon I found.  A Japanese one of course.  I'll have to dig her up....or just go find me on myspace.  And there she is. 
Our darkness unites us, our brightness divides us. 
A mask tightens my face
A shimmer shines through.  Glimmer.
I will always pursue.
I will always hope.
I will.
Never.
Give up.
Ever.

I am in a very strange place
I wish I could lie

Playing that game
I'm not really all that competitive
But I'll wait a little while
And see what happens

I'm waiting on the brink of something
Not sure what, not clear yet
It's a bit muddy and the anticipation is killing me
But I'm making it up as I go

Avoiding the scars
REFUSING them
Making them pieces of my artwork
Making them a bedtime story

Speaking of, I must sleep
Cuz I have to
But only after Maria Callas sings
Clarity
Dream

La Mamma Morta

Yes, it sounds a itmelancholy.  But death of things is a freedom.  Funny how things are.  How fast they appear and dissapear.  People come and people go.  I wonder how valuable it is to hold on to anything or any idea.  How profitable is it to own any idea, and for how long?  How do we approach life when there's not much trust in it? 
We rise above it.  We make it possible to look at it in another way.  Let's change this to the first person:  I rise above ti.  I make it possible to be better, to live life fully.

Ugh, my post just got half erased.  Darnit!  That was some good stuff!  Still getting used to this puter with all it's fancy buttons!

Just got back from San Francisco!  Oooh it was so nice.  So warm and sunny.  I ran on the beach in bare feet in November!  How awesome is that? And had tea outside in the afternoon under the sun that felt like July.  Ate amazing Mexican food everyday, shisha, and a Crispy Kreme.  Oh ya i did!  Ran down Lombardo st, cuz you SHOULD do that!  Went up the tallest building in San Francisco.  Went to Castro and Valencia st, and stayed in Mission, and took the BART and the trolley.  Went to the italian town, and had calzones at Calzone's.  It was fantastic!

Hibernation

The 24th of November marks a day that I forgot about.  Last year I was feeling really low and drained and tired, and was just struggling to keep awake.  Then a client came and said that Nov 24 is the day or week where most people are struggling because of the dark.  It's the time to go to a tanning bed just to get that vitamin D, and so I did.  Wow, did it make a huge difference.  So i thought I'd pass that on.  I was glad to know that I wasn't the only one.  I'm soooo glad I went to San Francisco and it was sunny. 

So I'm at home, and its nice.  A glass of wine.  Unwinding.  I'd like to paint but I'm not sure what I want to do.  I need to have a purpose to the painting, but perhaps I don't.  Maybe it's just a plan that is needed.  A general plan.  Then I have creative freedom.  But it's time to go to bed and then laundry in the am.  And the weekend is busy already too.  Goodness, it's like I'm running in circles.  I am going to be busy, busy, busy!  I should be earning money for how busy I am!   Right.

I think I am going to make a goal of living in a building that has a gym in it.  Better yet, a pool.  I'd swim every day.  That would be so nice.  Yes, i think by this time next year, i'm going to endeavour to do that.  Or at least my car will be on the road so I can drive to a place to swim.  I Love swimming!

Well, I'm sending best wishes out to all of you that might happen across this piece of my mind.  I'm going to perhaps go find a good book.  I am craving some real good intellectual stimulation.
dreams.
solitude.
peace.

cozy burn

Today had its ups and a few downs that turned into ups.  So awesome!  Thx to the people who gave me hugs.  We all need more of those. 

Tonight the cinematheque reminded me to be more giving, and not ask for anything in return. 

Here's another bit I wrote last night.  Might as well:

A light over the snow
A beacon
Inviting to us
Hand in hand
Lead over the crisp sparkle

Enter in
Space is ours
White and charcoal fleece
Red and black blankets
Thick fur by the fire

We nestle and gaze
Licking flames
Return silken agony
Comfort in the sharing
We are not alone
But alone in our warmth

Gaze, eyelids lower
Shyly reach
How are we so strong
So Vulnerable

My cocoon; your idea
Your lips speak
With not a word
Sounds of amber
Smells of anguish of longing
It envelops
Ephemeral dream
A skin that facinates
Lines sinew
Shape that mesmerizes
We can't stop looking
That's the beauty of it
May we never stop
The candle is in the window

Realize this:

I had an busy day, eventful, productive, effective, and then wham!  It got turned into a reality check.  And that's ok.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  But when you're least expecting it, here comes your past to haunt you...and what do you do?  Say hi, leave, and go cry.  And then Plan B...on to next party!  Thank God for that.  Really.  I feel so silly, (it's sensitive time for me, and that's my excuse) but after a year and a half, why the heck am I so affected?!!!

So the party was for my friend Lester Lady, and it was awesome.  A guy came in, Ken Foster, and randomly; I bought one of his paintings off him.  I absolutely love it!!!  And then I had a conversation with whats-his-name-Williams sitting on the bale of hay about people who are doers and getter done, and the ppl that are visionaries.  They've got all the ideas, but it doenst necessarily get done.  That used to frustrate him until he realized the difference.  I'm a visionary.  I admit it; with the good and the bad.  I accept it.  And I move on.  

A friend told me today that in my world everyone revolves around me. That I really like attention, and ...well i cant remember the rest, except to say that he also said that that's what makes me me.  I'm so embarrassed, but glad for his honesty... There are things to improve upon, and gosh-darnit this is one of them.  I now have a new resolution.  Forget new years, new year starts now!  To endeavour to not be late, to respect other's time, and to learn to accurately plan how long things REALLY take.  Don't know why that's such a battle for me, but I will learn. 

And then in my tears, and in the rainy night, dancing in and over the puddles, the rings floating together; I started for some reason on my very rare wordy bits.  Poetry came pouring out... and I'll record it here. 
I love when the words somehow just pour out...I don't quite know how that happens or where it comes from , but it comes, and I allow it, and revel in it.  And there it is:

I've got a new resolution:
Excess is what I came for
Your smile upon my lips
chains on my back
cage I dance in
Radiance
Simmer
Safe
Hot

Malicious delishious
Blood brother
Connect the knot
Sever no more
Reap what you have sewn
and spun beautiful yarn
silver blue
moon white
blackest black
a sliver of fuzzy spreading red
spindly
prick my finger
awakes with only your kiss
your heart a-pounding
throbs to my core
alight mine in turn
lesson till lesson learnt
beg your mercy
let us return the favor

A gift
inexplicably miraculously
my meaning making machine
working overtime
coming from everywhere
and nowhere

And now i will paint
your picture
i dont know what you look like
but i feel:
See you

I hear
I feel
I hold
So do I
and that's what it's for
strings and yarns
quilts of comfort
and warmth in turn
a similar and strange body

oh curse this fear
oh curse this body
float into my space
a light
a pasture into a meadow
peace of mind

We'll always be there in memory
remember and treasure
there's gems to be found
and i live there as the fairies do
tinkling in dreamland
toes in the sand
as my love comes to me
sailing on the misty sea
wafts over the air in perfume
only i can see
how dear it is to me

come conquer my ship
my waves are deep but safe
my tears forever hold
the secrets of you
lost at sea

soon to be another promised land
land ahoy!!
past is clear history
now is all i see
alone in my solitude
i'm thankful
and open as the wind
i will not let worry me
it will be as it will be
strength is mine
lessons learnt
I am peace of mind


So there it is; a jumble of thoughts; referencing a few things battling in my mind.  Concepts and flow.  A gift I am thankful for, and I'll share it with you.  A bit exposed, just to share and know that I or perhaps you aren't the only ones.

Sophisticate

Today I went to work on a different note.  A reality in my world has changed.  And I welcome it.  Out with the old, in with the new. 

The day, continued from yesterday, from  my wonderful afternoon in Chinatown.  Inspired by an inspiring friend to go to try tea tasting, is exactly what I did.  I was more than pleasantly surprised.  I forgot about how wonderful it is to stop and remember my body, it's senses; to pause, and see, smell, taste, hear, and silence.  To share.  To introduce.  To be, and that's all that need be.  No matter where or what I do.  Just to be right right where and how I am right now.  And that's enough.

Today my last client was a wonderful woman who was very tall, and older than she appeared (about 30 years younger, I thought!).  She grew up in Montreal, and now she's here.  We had such a wonderful conversation, and I dont think she knew what it did for me.  I love my job for that. We spoke of simple things such as travel and quality of food comparing Vancouver and Montreal.  Shopping here and there, like there used to be more boutiques there, and now there's just a lot of box stores there.  I forgot how or why I like distinguished things so much.   

Then we spoke about the French language.  I asked her to explain to me what it was to her.  She said that it was a language that is something that is poetry.  It is like painting.  You literally paint with the words.  That's the grammar of it.  That's the beautiful of it.  A light went on for me.  Such as my French landlord writing things that seem to ramble on.  But what he's really doing is being polite.  In French, you must dance around, and then make your point at the end, she said.  Now it all came together.  This is why I love French film so much!  Yay!  NOW I understand!  Now I must learn it!  Or at least endeavour to embrace it.  I just couldnt 'get it' before. 

 I was reminded of what inspired me when I was younger.  Two very important men were in my life.  They were and probably still are quite distinguished and well read and intelligent men.  The two men were my Uncle Eugene and a family friend Doctor Thorfason.  My uncle as I now know isnt' the man i thought him to be, but he still had quite a positive influence on me.  I was about 8 or 9 when I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a summer.  I learned something about quality through him.  He stressed the importance of simple important quality of crystal glasses vs. glass.  They shone clearer, brighter, they 'sang'.  Yes, even down to the sound of them.  The cut as well as the shape.  I didnt know till years later that the shape greatly influences the taste as well. 

Doctor Thorfason was a family friend who was a dentist.  His background is Norweigan, and he had a sense of reverence for language, arts, culture, and cuisine.  He taught me to play chess.  And I looked up to him for how he had conversations with my mother about language, and what he taught her.  I think he was a true intellectual, and I admired that in him beyond belief.  Also I think it was because we just generally liked eachother.  I felt like he 'saw' into me and saw that I was a person that was smart and valued enough for him to spend the time to teach me things in his world. 

I admit, I'm attracted always to charming, intelligent, and even pompous men.  Also that have an air of confidence.  That sounds a bit creepy in reference following the above paragraph!  But it's what influences one in life that influences their future, I think.

I'm a dreamer.  Not necessarily a doer.  Something I endeavour to change/improve.

And another thing.  Why is it that I believe in God and I have a hard time talking about him.  It's like I have an amazing friend that I keep a secret.  That's just wierd.  Just an observation.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  My uncle Eugene taught me a lot about politeness, and etiquette; especially at concerts.  I always liked how snobby it seemed.  For some reason I thought it was desirable (a status thing) to be that way.  Funny, I try not to be now.  But at the time...  I love things that are 'proper.  Which is why I happen to love the British royalty through my romanticized eyes.  Lol.  How improper of me to punctuate with slang!  Lol again!  Ha HA.  The British in me is coming out! 

So growing up, I found myself involved in different varieties of music.  Singing with my mom when I was 2-5, piano starting from 5 years old, singing in choirs all school years, chamber choir, jazz choir, and concerts the whole way through.  I always loved that feeling.  And I'm remembering what is missing in my life for the last years is music!  I've been thinking of this recently a lot.  A man called Daniel is helping me to remember, and that's a most wonderful thing.  I wonder how to let him know.  I've got a little idea ;) !  But the thing is how to convey how big this is.  I suppose that's just through time and action.  Thankyou to Daniel for reminding me of the beauty of life.  And to think I almost missed it! 

Right then, here's to emptying my thoughts, attempting to write full paragraphs and sentences with a decent use of grammar, and then .... the rest is (the scent of) dreams.

Here comes the rain again

Yup, it's raining.  Start of fall weather.  Going to Whistler yesterday was confirmation of winter coming.  I forgot that it gets colder faster in other parts of the country.  Like, for instance, if I lived in Calgary or central BC, it would be crispier air now than here in Vancouver.  It just gets damp and dark here. 
I must say that I like fall weather.  I like the idea of dark and cozy.  I just don't like it for too long.  This is the time where I wish i had a log cabin or old farmhouse with a huge big fireplace 1600 c. style, I'd cook a big stew and have hot apple cider and wear an oversized sweater while laying around on my bear skin before the fire.  I'd be sharing this with the VIP's in my life.  Family, significant other, friends, stuff like that.  Awwww, isn't that nice!
Since we're going there, I'd also have a horse ranch, and I'd be riding during the day, harvesting my garden, getting crafty.  Things like that.  It reminds me when I was a young girl, and I'd read stories and imagine I was there.  The romance of it all.  Stupid haarlequin to Louis L'Amour.  Ha ha.  Funny thing is that I just realized what Louis' last name inferred!  Lmao.  I always did call it porn books for guys.  Heh! 
Next thing I'm excited for is to get staying inside and cooking.   I think I'll be cooking more in the next few months.  Ive not been so inspired to cook, but I'm getting there again.  I've had a little inspiration staying with me.  Yayyy!  And healthy too.  It's just not so right to cook for yourself all lonely.  It just doesnt taste good unless you share it.  Funny that.

Well, speaking of, I'd better run and do that.! 

It's another day!

I've finally got to a computer that I can write with! Yay!
It feels like fall has come, it's chilly in the air. Rather, crisp. I do miss the East for the fall weather. That's the best place to see the colors and feel the difference. Autumn always comes with a sadness and yet a feeling of newness and a fresh start. More adventures to come!
Yep, the adventure for the next few months till December will be quite a trip for me. First, I'm planning on going to San Francisco for the first time. I'm so excited to see what I'll find!
The next is that I'm going to be exercising my skills in leadership and self-expression to create and do and fulfill a project for the community. It is to be called SpaceBusters! You remember Ghostbusters? Yup, lets get into the spaces and bust the ghosts out that keep your space and your mind stale! And that way it leaves room for clarity and for the possibility of new things that keep you fresh, creative, active and healthy.
THis will be done through a team of people that will help me to 'raid and pillage' (gently or if need be, forcefully) to rid you of clutter that keeps you stuck, or even the stuff you don't see. Also, there will be someone on the team who will have a session with you to help you see and keep it that way! Some of us have that eye, and some of us don't! And we can't all do it all on our own, so let's share the love!
The result will be 500 homes that been re-educated and free from it's baggage, and on to new relationships with its owners. How exciting is that? Part of the education will be to solidify your space and your style. Put it all together...and in the end, we'll all be happier people!

So, here we are. I'm so excited, and im even more excited that the passion I feel for this project already! I've just created it, and now I need people to help me do it! Now, where to start.

The most important thing I have to remember, is that I can't do it all myself. I always end up being a bit of a loner because I know I won't be dissapointed that way. But then I feel alone. Ironic, isn't it?! SO, I'm off to the wizard of transformation of me. Click those heels together and off we go! Wayyyyy beyond Kansas though! I'm certainly not limiting myself to there! :O

Allright kids, this is where I'll leave it. Happy trails!

Wow, things aren't always as they seem

I've got just a few minutes to write. Its such a good feeling to write and get things out. On the 'page'. I've missed journaling. That word is always interesting to me. "Journaling" What's a journal anyway. It's a record of a journey. And I'm on one. A big one.

SO the latest entry on the journey is that I'm in the middle of a crossroads. In transition to move to what inspires me most, and to make that even more apparent in my life. Life. So much opportunity. I keep wanting to do what's right, and then it get's to what's perfect. I have to remember that everything isn't always perfect. It's right. Lemonade out of lemons. I wish I could have what I don't, but that's when I can be happy with what i have. But there's so much more! Oh but that's just what you do what with you have right now. Content right now. That I have what I need.

So now it's my worrying. About everything! Beyond what is. I'll make it up if i have to. But that's the beauty of it. I can make things! Ha. Can you see my deductive reasoning so that I can prove and justify myself? Lol.

Well anyway, that's it for now folks. I can't wait till i get my puter, so i can really keep up with this!

Goodnight.
Stars, be in my heart, and the light from them to shine out.

Is this a new adventure beginning?

I think I've just started a new blog page. Woopieeee! Time to leave the old and DO the new! Oh yes!

So many things have happened since the last blog entry, I can't get over it. There's a whole year to catch up on!
After my blog in Korea year, I found it hard to keep blogging, but we'll see what happens now. Everyday is a new adventure. SO many things to do and see in life. And I want to record them and maybe inspire you to do the same. :D

I've taken a course that introduced a new way of thinking about life. I didn't know that there was such a thing. I felt it could be possible, but sometimes you just need a little coaching. This year seems to be the year for coaching, and they've all been the most wonderful people I can imagine, and it keeps getting better! And what a transformative year this has been! It seems to be a very very good one for me. So all I can do is go along for the ride. God knows I love rollercoasters! Tee hee!

I can't believe how good it feels to write right now. I haven't done this for a while. I'm starting up in my journal again, that's IT! The aesthetic of writing with pen and paper, I just love. But I also love challenging myself in typing, and speed, and content and method of writing online too.
But that's obvious. Now just to keep challenging myself to put my English to better use as well!

SO I'm going to end for now. Just to see.

Breathe, live, prosper, be happy, and look up! THere's peace up there!