Yes, it sounds a itmelancholy. But death of things is a freedom. Funny how things are. How fast they appear and dissapear. People come and people go. I wonder how valuable it is to hold on to anything or any idea. How profitable is it to own any idea, and for how long? How do we approach life when there's not much trust in it?
We rise above it. We make it possible to look at it in another way. Let's change this to the first person: I rise above ti. I make it possible to be better, to live life fully.
Ugh, my post just got half erased. Darnit! That was some good stuff! Still getting used to this puter with all it's fancy buttons!
Just got back from San Francisco! Oooh it was so nice. So warm and sunny. I ran on the beach in bare feet in November! How awesome is that? And had tea outside in the afternoon under the sun that felt like July. Ate amazing Mexican food everyday, shisha, and a Crispy Kreme. Oh ya i did! Ran down Lombardo st, cuz you SHOULD do that! Went up the tallest building in San Francisco. Went to Castro and Valencia st, and stayed in Mission, and took the BART and the trolley. Went to the italian town, and had calzones at Calzone's. It was fantastic!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Hibernation
The 24th of November marks a day that I forgot about. Last year I was feeling really low and drained and tired, and was just struggling to keep awake. Then a client came and said that Nov 24 is the day or week where most people are struggling because of the dark. It's the time to go to a tanning bed just to get that vitamin D, and so I did. Wow, did it make a huge difference. So i thought I'd pass that on. I was glad to know that I wasn't the only one. I'm soooo glad I went to San Francisco and it was sunny.
So I'm at home, and its nice. A glass of wine. Unwinding. I'd like to paint but I'm not sure what I want to do. I need to have a purpose to the painting, but perhaps I don't. Maybe it's just a plan that is needed. A general plan. Then I have creative freedom. But it's time to go to bed and then laundry in the am. And the weekend is busy already too. Goodness, it's like I'm running in circles. I am going to be busy, busy, busy! I should be earning money for how busy I am! Right.
I think I am going to make a goal of living in a building that has a gym in it. Better yet, a pool. I'd swim every day. That would be so nice. Yes, i think by this time next year, i'm going to endeavour to do that. Or at least my car will be on the road so I can drive to a place to swim. I Love swimming!
Well, I'm sending best wishes out to all of you that might happen across this piece of my mind. I'm going to perhaps go find a good book. I am craving some real good intellectual stimulation.
dreams.
solitude.
peace.
So I'm at home, and its nice. A glass of wine. Unwinding. I'd like to paint but I'm not sure what I want to do. I need to have a purpose to the painting, but perhaps I don't. Maybe it's just a plan that is needed. A general plan. Then I have creative freedom. But it's time to go to bed and then laundry in the am. And the weekend is busy already too. Goodness, it's like I'm running in circles. I am going to be busy, busy, busy! I should be earning money for how busy I am! Right.
I think I am going to make a goal of living in a building that has a gym in it. Better yet, a pool. I'd swim every day. That would be so nice. Yes, i think by this time next year, i'm going to endeavour to do that. Or at least my car will be on the road so I can drive to a place to swim. I Love swimming!
Well, I'm sending best wishes out to all of you that might happen across this piece of my mind. I'm going to perhaps go find a good book. I am craving some real good intellectual stimulation.
dreams.
solitude.
peace.
Monday, November 23, 2009
cozy burn
Today had its ups and a few downs that turned into ups. So awesome! Thx to the people who gave me hugs. We all need more of those.
Tonight the cinematheque reminded me to be more giving, and not ask for anything in return.
Here's another bit I wrote last night. Might as well:
A light over the snow
A beacon
Inviting to us
Hand in hand
Lead over the crisp sparkle
Enter in
Space is ours
White and charcoal fleece
Red and black blankets
Thick fur by the fire
We nestle and gaze
Licking flames
Return silken agony
Comfort in the sharing
We are not alone
But alone in our warmth
Gaze, eyelids lower
Shyly reach
How are we so strong
So Vulnerable
My cocoon; your idea
Your lips speak
With not a word
Sounds of amber
Smells of anguish of longing
It envelops
Ephemeral dream
A skin that facinates
Lines sinew
Shape that mesmerizes
We can't stop looking
That's the beauty of it
May we never stop
The candle is in the window
Tonight the cinematheque reminded me to be more giving, and not ask for anything in return.
Here's another bit I wrote last night. Might as well:
A light over the snow
A beacon
Inviting to us
Hand in hand
Lead over the crisp sparkle
Enter in
Space is ours
White and charcoal fleece
Red and black blankets
Thick fur by the fire
We nestle and gaze
Licking flames
Return silken agony
Comfort in the sharing
We are not alone
But alone in our warmth
Gaze, eyelids lower
Shyly reach
How are we so strong
So Vulnerable
My cocoon; your idea
Your lips speak
With not a word
Sounds of amber
Smells of anguish of longing
It envelops
Ephemeral dream
A skin that facinates
Lines sinew
Shape that mesmerizes
We can't stop looking
That's the beauty of it
May we never stop
The candle is in the window
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Realize this:
I had an busy day, eventful, productive, effective, and then wham! It got turned into a reality check. And that's ok. It was bound to happen sooner or later. But when you're least expecting it, here comes your past to haunt you...and what do you do? Say hi, leave, and go cry. And then Plan B...on to next party! Thank God for that. Really. I feel so silly, (it's sensitive time for me, and that's my excuse) but after a year and a half, why the heck am I so affected?!!!
So the party was for my friend Lester Lady, and it was awesome. A guy came in, Ken Foster, and randomly; I bought one of his paintings off him. I absolutely love it!!! And then I had a conversation with whats-his-name-Williams sitting on the bale of hay about people who are doers and getter done, and the ppl that are visionaries. They've got all the ideas, but it doenst necessarily get done. That used to frustrate him until he realized the difference. I'm a visionary. I admit it; with the good and the bad. I accept it. And I move on.
A friend told me today that in my world everyone revolves around me. That I really like attention, and ...well i cant remember the rest, except to say that he also said that that's what makes me me. I'm so embarrassed, but glad for his honesty... There are things to improve upon, and gosh-darnit this is one of them. I now have a new resolution. Forget new years, new year starts now! To endeavour to not be late, to respect other's time, and to learn to accurately plan how long things REALLY take. Don't know why that's such a battle for me, but I will learn.
And then in my tears, and in the rainy night, dancing in and over the puddles, the rings floating together; I started for some reason on my very rare wordy bits. Poetry came pouring out... and I'll record it here.
I love when the words somehow just pour out...I don't quite know how that happens or where it comes from , but it comes, and I allow it, and revel in it. And there it is:
I've got a new resolution:
Excess is what I came for
Your smile upon my lips
chains on my back
cage I dance in
Radiance
Simmer
Safe
Hot
Malicious delishious
Blood brother
Connect the knot
Sever no more
Reap what you have sewn
and spun beautiful yarn
silver blue
moon white
blackest black
a sliver of fuzzy spreading red
spindly
prick my finger
awakes with only your kiss
your heart a-pounding
throbs to my core
alight mine in turn
lesson till lesson learnt
beg your mercy
let us return the favor
A gift
inexplicably miraculously
my meaning making machine
working overtime
coming from everywhere
and nowhere
And now i will paint
your picture
i dont know what you look like
but i feel:
See you
I hear
I feel
I hold
So do I
and that's what it's for
strings and yarns
quilts of comfort
and warmth in turn
a similar and strange body
oh curse this fear
oh curse this body
float into my space
a light
a pasture into a meadow
peace of mind
We'll always be there in memory
remember and treasure
there's gems to be found
and i live there as the fairies do
tinkling in dreamland
toes in the sand
as my love comes to me
sailing on the misty sea
wafts over the air in perfume
only i can see
how dear it is to me
come conquer my ship
my waves are deep but safe
my tears forever hold
the secrets of you
lost at sea
soon to be another promised land
land ahoy!!
past is clear history
now is all i see
alone in my solitude
i'm thankful
and open as the wind
i will not let worry me
it will be as it will be
strength is mine
lessons learnt
I am peace of mind
So there it is; a jumble of thoughts; referencing a few things battling in my mind. Concepts and flow. A gift I am thankful for, and I'll share it with you. A bit exposed, just to share and know that I or perhaps you aren't the only ones.
So the party was for my friend Lester Lady, and it was awesome. A guy came in, Ken Foster, and randomly; I bought one of his paintings off him. I absolutely love it!!! And then I had a conversation with whats-his-name-Williams sitting on the bale of hay about people who are doers and getter done, and the ppl that are visionaries. They've got all the ideas, but it doenst necessarily get done. That used to frustrate him until he realized the difference. I'm a visionary. I admit it; with the good and the bad. I accept it. And I move on.
A friend told me today that in my world everyone revolves around me. That I really like attention, and ...well i cant remember the rest, except to say that he also said that that's what makes me me. I'm so embarrassed, but glad for his honesty... There are things to improve upon, and gosh-darnit this is one of them. I now have a new resolution. Forget new years, new year starts now! To endeavour to not be late, to respect other's time, and to learn to accurately plan how long things REALLY take. Don't know why that's such a battle for me, but I will learn.
And then in my tears, and in the rainy night, dancing in and over the puddles, the rings floating together; I started for some reason on my very rare wordy bits. Poetry came pouring out... and I'll record it here.
I love when the words somehow just pour out...I don't quite know how that happens or where it comes from , but it comes, and I allow it, and revel in it. And there it is:
I've got a new resolution:
Excess is what I came for
Your smile upon my lips
chains on my back
cage I dance in
Radiance
Simmer
Safe
Hot
Malicious delishious
Blood brother
Connect the knot
Sever no more
Reap what you have sewn
and spun beautiful yarn
silver blue
moon white
blackest black
a sliver of fuzzy spreading red
spindly
prick my finger
awakes with only your kiss
your heart a-pounding
throbs to my core
alight mine in turn
lesson till lesson learnt
beg your mercy
let us return the favor
A gift
inexplicably miraculously
my meaning making machine
working overtime
coming from everywhere
and nowhere
And now i will paint
your picture
i dont know what you look like
but i feel:
See you
I hear
I feel
I hold
So do I
and that's what it's for
strings and yarns
quilts of comfort
and warmth in turn
a similar and strange body
oh curse this fear
oh curse this body
float into my space
a light
a pasture into a meadow
peace of mind
We'll always be there in memory
remember and treasure
there's gems to be found
and i live there as the fairies do
tinkling in dreamland
toes in the sand
as my love comes to me
sailing on the misty sea
wafts over the air in perfume
only i can see
how dear it is to me
come conquer my ship
my waves are deep but safe
my tears forever hold
the secrets of you
lost at sea
soon to be another promised land
land ahoy!!
past is clear history
now is all i see
alone in my solitude
i'm thankful
and open as the wind
i will not let worry me
it will be as it will be
strength is mine
lessons learnt
I am peace of mind
So there it is; a jumble of thoughts; referencing a few things battling in my mind. Concepts and flow. A gift I am thankful for, and I'll share it with you. A bit exposed, just to share and know that I or perhaps you aren't the only ones.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sophisticate
Today I went to work on a different note. A reality in my world has changed. And I welcome it. Out with the old, in with the new.
The day, continued from yesterday, from my wonderful afternoon in Chinatown. Inspired by an inspiring friend to go to try tea tasting, is exactly what I did. I was more than pleasantly surprised. I forgot about how wonderful it is to stop and remember my body, it's senses; to pause, and see, smell, taste, hear, and silence. To share. To introduce. To be, and that's all that need be. No matter where or what I do. Just to be right right where and how I am right now. And that's enough.
Today my last client was a wonderful woman who was very tall, and older than she appeared (about 30 years younger, I thought!). She grew up in Montreal, and now she's here. We had such a wonderful conversation, and I dont think she knew what it did for me. I love my job for that. We spoke of simple things such as travel and quality of food comparing Vancouver and Montreal. Shopping here and there, like there used to be more boutiques there, and now there's just a lot of box stores there. I forgot how or why I like distinguished things so much.
Then we spoke about the French language. I asked her to explain to me what it was to her. She said that it was a language that is something that is poetry. It is like painting. You literally paint with the words. That's the grammar of it. That's the beautiful of it. A light went on for me. Such as my French landlord writing things that seem to ramble on. But what he's really doing is being polite. In French, you must dance around, and then make your point at the end, she said. Now it all came together. This is why I love French film so much! Yay! NOW I understand! Now I must learn it! Or at least endeavour to embrace it. I just couldnt 'get it' before.
I was reminded of what inspired me when I was younger. Two very important men were in my life. They were and probably still are quite distinguished and well read and intelligent men. The two men were my Uncle Eugene and a family friend Doctor Thorfason. My uncle as I now know isnt' the man i thought him to be, but he still had quite a positive influence on me. I was about 8 or 9 when I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a summer. I learned something about quality through him. He stressed the importance of simple important quality of crystal glasses vs. glass. They shone clearer, brighter, they 'sang'. Yes, even down to the sound of them. The cut as well as the shape. I didnt know till years later that the shape greatly influences the taste as well.
Doctor Thorfason was a family friend who was a dentist. His background is Norweigan, and he had a sense of reverence for language, arts, culture, and cuisine. He taught me to play chess. And I looked up to him for how he had conversations with my mother about language, and what he taught her. I think he was a true intellectual, and I admired that in him beyond belief. Also I think it was because we just generally liked eachother. I felt like he 'saw' into me and saw that I was a person that was smart and valued enough for him to spend the time to teach me things in his world.
I admit, I'm attracted always to charming, intelligent, and even pompous men. Also that have an air of confidence. That sounds a bit creepy in reference following the above paragraph! But it's what influences one in life that influences their future, I think.
I'm a dreamer. Not necessarily a doer. Something I endeavour to change/improve.
And another thing. Why is it that I believe in God and I have a hard time talking about him. It's like I have an amazing friend that I keep a secret. That's just wierd. Just an observation.
Oh! I almost forgot. My uncle Eugene taught me a lot about politeness, and etiquette; especially at concerts. I always liked how snobby it seemed. For some reason I thought it was desirable (a status thing) to be that way. Funny, I try not to be now. But at the time... I love things that are 'proper. Which is why I happen to love the British royalty through my romanticized eyes. Lol. How improper of me to punctuate with slang! Lol again! Ha HA. The British in me is coming out!
So growing up, I found myself involved in different varieties of music. Singing with my mom when I was 2-5, piano starting from 5 years old, singing in choirs all school years, chamber choir, jazz choir, and concerts the whole way through. I always loved that feeling. And I'm remembering what is missing in my life for the last years is music! I've been thinking of this recently a lot. A man called Daniel is helping me to remember, and that's a most wonderful thing. I wonder how to let him know. I've got a little idea ;) ! But the thing is how to convey how big this is. I suppose that's just through time and action. Thankyou to Daniel for reminding me of the beauty of life. And to think I almost missed it!
Right then, here's to emptying my thoughts, attempting to write full paragraphs and sentences with a decent use of grammar, and then .... the rest is (the scent of) dreams.
The day, continued from yesterday, from my wonderful afternoon in Chinatown. Inspired by an inspiring friend to go to try tea tasting, is exactly what I did. I was more than pleasantly surprised. I forgot about how wonderful it is to stop and remember my body, it's senses; to pause, and see, smell, taste, hear, and silence. To share. To introduce. To be, and that's all that need be. No matter where or what I do. Just to be right right where and how I am right now. And that's enough.
Today my last client was a wonderful woman who was very tall, and older than she appeared (about 30 years younger, I thought!). She grew up in Montreal, and now she's here. We had such a wonderful conversation, and I dont think she knew what it did for me. I love my job for that. We spoke of simple things such as travel and quality of food comparing Vancouver and Montreal. Shopping here and there, like there used to be more boutiques there, and now there's just a lot of box stores there. I forgot how or why I like distinguished things so much.
Then we spoke about the French language. I asked her to explain to me what it was to her. She said that it was a language that is something that is poetry. It is like painting. You literally paint with the words. That's the grammar of it. That's the beautiful of it. A light went on for me. Such as my French landlord writing things that seem to ramble on. But what he's really doing is being polite. In French, you must dance around, and then make your point at the end, she said. Now it all came together. This is why I love French film so much! Yay! NOW I understand! Now I must learn it! Or at least endeavour to embrace it. I just couldnt 'get it' before.
I was reminded of what inspired me when I was younger. Two very important men were in my life. They were and probably still are quite distinguished and well read and intelligent men. The two men were my Uncle Eugene and a family friend Doctor Thorfason. My uncle as I now know isnt' the man i thought him to be, but he still had quite a positive influence on me. I was about 8 or 9 when I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a summer. I learned something about quality through him. He stressed the importance of simple important quality of crystal glasses vs. glass. They shone clearer, brighter, they 'sang'. Yes, even down to the sound of them. The cut as well as the shape. I didnt know till years later that the shape greatly influences the taste as well.
Doctor Thorfason was a family friend who was a dentist. His background is Norweigan, and he had a sense of reverence for language, arts, culture, and cuisine. He taught me to play chess. And I looked up to him for how he had conversations with my mother about language, and what he taught her. I think he was a true intellectual, and I admired that in him beyond belief. Also I think it was because we just generally liked eachother. I felt like he 'saw' into me and saw that I was a person that was smart and valued enough for him to spend the time to teach me things in his world.
I admit, I'm attracted always to charming, intelligent, and even pompous men. Also that have an air of confidence. That sounds a bit creepy in reference following the above paragraph! But it's what influences one in life that influences their future, I think.
I'm a dreamer. Not necessarily a doer. Something I endeavour to change/improve.
And another thing. Why is it that I believe in God and I have a hard time talking about him. It's like I have an amazing friend that I keep a secret. That's just wierd. Just an observation.
Oh! I almost forgot. My uncle Eugene taught me a lot about politeness, and etiquette; especially at concerts. I always liked how snobby it seemed. For some reason I thought it was desirable (a status thing) to be that way. Funny, I try not to be now. But at the time... I love things that are 'proper. Which is why I happen to love the British royalty through my romanticized eyes. Lol. How improper of me to punctuate with slang! Lol again! Ha HA. The British in me is coming out!
So growing up, I found myself involved in different varieties of music. Singing with my mom when I was 2-5, piano starting from 5 years old, singing in choirs all school years, chamber choir, jazz choir, and concerts the whole way through. I always loved that feeling. And I'm remembering what is missing in my life for the last years is music! I've been thinking of this recently a lot. A man called Daniel is helping me to remember, and that's a most wonderful thing. I wonder how to let him know. I've got a little idea ;) ! But the thing is how to convey how big this is. I suppose that's just through time and action. Thankyou to Daniel for reminding me of the beauty of life. And to think I almost missed it!
Right then, here's to emptying my thoughts, attempting to write full paragraphs and sentences with a decent use of grammar, and then .... the rest is (the scent of) dreams.
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